This being your second divorce, Mr. Henderson,
I'm sure you're familiar with the procedure,
but your wife... Ex-wife-should know
it would be wise not to leave the state for a few weeks
until it's finalized.
I'm not planning to leave the state.
No, she just left me.
She had nothing against the land.
I'll tell you something.
If you two could have made all your decisions
with as much cooperation as you made this one,
I think you probably would have had a happy marriage.
Go figure.
So, uh... that's basically it.
I hate to bring up business, but who do I bill?
Him.
What do you mean “him“?
I thought we were going to split this.
You said you were paying for the divorce.
I just said that to get it started.
I thought we'd wind up splitting it.
You offered. You said you were going to pay for it.
See? This is why it didn't work.
I don't know.
We were always good on the surface, though, weren't we, honey?
Are we through?
Yes.
Thank you.
I'll talk to you.
She came with a lot of nice furniture.
Man: Hello?
I need a designated driver.
I don't know what I really feel.
I guess I'm not going to feel it for days.
Maybe I shouldn't even say anything.
I mean, you probably don't want to hear this,
but I thought she was nice.
10 years ago, that would have killed me,
but you're right.
She was nice.
She was a very nice woman
who'll make some nice man very happy,
but I'm not that man.
Maybe you shouldn't get married anymore.
I want kids.
Well, adopt.
I want to pass down my seed.
Masturbate in the garden.
Thanks for coming and talking to me.
Why don't you go clown with him?
I'm listening. Come on, I'm listening.
Can I have another double here, please?
Listen, the thing is, you got to know what you're looking for,
and you don't have a clue.
I guess I don't, do I?
I mean...
Whoa, hey, cowboy. That's plenty.
Do you think that all the girls you've ever gone out with,
including your wives,
do you think they're all the same woman?
Well, the 2 wives were the same, that's for sure.
I'd say out of
the 5 serious relationships I've had,
3 were exactly the same,
one was different, unlike anybody else,
one might have been a man.
Really?
If you were a woman and you said that,
I'd never want to talk to you again,
but I'm still going to be your friend.
Why is that?
Did you see that movie?
What movie?
You know, the one where a guy lives
with a Chinese woman for 20 years, and it turns out to be a man?
M. Butterfly.
Yes.
Think something like that's possible?
How can it be possible?
I mean, let's say she fools the husband.
Doesn't she have to go for an insurance physical?
Then doesn't the doctor call the spouse?
“Hey, how's my wife doing?“
“She's in very good health,
especially her balls.”
OK, well, if all the women are the same,
what kind of woman is that'?
Once you figure that out,
you go for the opposite.
Let's see, the one thing they all had in common...
They didn't really believe in me.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, Jesus, that's weird.
You like women who don't believe in you?
Yeah, I guess I do.
God.
Woman doesn't support me, I'm out of there.
Why do you think that is?
Do you like men who don't believe in you?
No-.
So what in God's name would you like
a woman who doesn't believe in you for?
I don't get it.
Are either of you fellows married?
One of my sons just got a divorce.
They just can't seem to stay married anymore.
Heh heh heh.
Man: All right, ma'am.
All hooked up and ready to go.
Well, gee, does that look a little green to you?
I don't think so.
Gee, it looks a little green to me.
No, ma'am. That's normal.
Does that look green to you?
Yes, thank you.
[Speaking Native Language]
What's wrong with him?
He's mentally ill, ma'am.
Ohh...
Oh, look, see.
There's something wrong with this.
There is nothing wrong, ma'am.
My friend did not understand you.
But it doesn't look right.
Turn it to another channel.
Oh, my God, that's too green.
That's the grass, ma'am.
That's supposed to be green.
Ooh, I think there's something wrong.
I'm not going to sign for this.
In the store, the picture was perfect,
The picture is fine, ma'am.
I tell you what. You watch it.
The House of Discounts guarantees it.
If you don't like it in a couple weeks, I come and take it back.
Well, maybe I shouldn't sign anything until then.
Ma'am, please, I cannot leave this here unless you sign this.
This picture is perfect.
In the beginning, when you turn it on,
green is the color that comes up the most,
but then, in a few minutes, it goes away.
But the television in the store looked perfect.
That's because the televisions in the stores
are turned on a longtime before you get there.
I don't think so.
I was there at 9:15, right when they opened.
I know, ma'am, but the televisions
are turned on in the middle of the night automatically,
so the color is perfect by the time people like you
get there at 9:15.
Really?
Yes.
Are you sure of that?
I am positive.
Hmm. All right.
I'll watch for a few days,
and I'll let you know.
Oh, boy. I'll be waiting for that call, ma'am.
Thank you.
Don't bother seeing me out. I will find the door.
Hmm.
[Telephone Ringing]
Oh, um. Make sure you shut the door, please.
[Ring]
Hello.
Mother?
Hello, Jeff.
Good guess. Try the other one.
Oh, hello, dear.
I was just talking about you.
To who?
To these installers.
Installers?
Yes. We were just talking about you.
What, about my book?
No, no, no, dear. I told them you'd just gotten a divorce.
You what?
I told them you got a divorce.
They know me?
Of course not.
Well, why did you tell them that?
I don't know. We were talking about marriage,
and I asked them if they were married,
and I mentioned you weren't.
Great. Why don't you give me their home number, Mom,
and I'll call them later and fill them in?
So, how are you? Are you OK?
Oh, fine. And you?
I'm all right. I just called to say hello. That's all.
Is everything out of the house?
Everything that was hers, yeah.
Honey, you should go and get new furniture tomorrow.
I have stuff to do before I get new furniture.
Don't worry.
I don't want you to sit in a big, empty house. It's bad for you.
I'll take care of it.
And also, buy yourself some new clothes.
Why?
Well, because the last time I saw you,
I just thought you could look better.
Look better than what?
Well, just look better.
You want to meet somebody.
Well, I don't want to trick anybody into liking me.
What do you mean?
Why do you always think it has to do with these things?
Don't you think I could meet somebody wearing crappy shoes,
and they'd still like me?
Honey, wear whatever you want.
I just think if you were wearing crappy shoes,
they'd say, “Why are you wearing crappy shoes?“
That's what I think, but you do what you want.
Maybe there's somebody out there who wouldn't say that.
Whatever, dear. You look for them.
[Beep]
Ooh. I have a call waiting.
Hello?
John: It's still me, Mother.
Hello.
John: Still me, Mother.
Hi?
John: Why do you even pay for this feature?
[Caller Hangs Up]
Well, they hung up anyway.
So...
how's the book?
Well, a lot of people
think I should write a sequel.
To what?
The last book.
The space thing?
Yeah.
Hello?
Oh, yes, honey, I'm still here.
You don't think so, huh?
Well, honey, I'm not smart like the people you know,
but that's what they advise you?
I mean, that's what they say?
Yes, many of them do.
Well, they know a lot more than me.
I don't know.
But you didn't like the book, right?
You don't think it deserves a sequel?
Oh, no, honey,
I love the book, but are you sure
you want to bring back all those characters?
[Choking]
I'll talk to you later.
Honey, I love you.
I know you think you do.
[Beep]
Oh, I have another call coming through.
Hello?
John: This happens all day, doesn't it?
He wrote this?
Yeah.
How did you meet him?
In the market.
And he had his book with him?
He had it in the trunk.
Did you read it?
No, but it's a real book.
Is he rich?
I don't know. He just got a divorce.
When?
2 weeks ago.
Gee, that's a little soon to go outwith somebody.
I'm just having dinner with him, not having sex.
Does he know that?
Well, he will by dessert.
[Buzzing]
Who is it?
John Henderson.
Come on in.
[Buzz]
How do I look?
Gorgeous.
Thanks.
[Doorbell Rings]
Hi, john.
Hi. Wow, you look great.
OK.
Um, this is my roommate Donna.
Hi.
So, you all ready?
Well, I'd have to be all ready.
I came hereto get you.
What do you mean?
Nothing.
Oh. Go?
Sure.
See you later.
Bye.
[Door Closes]
How's the salad? Good?
Good. Yours?
Good.
Oh.
Have you always wanted to be a writer?
Yes, I think I have.
Who are some of your favorite authors?
Well, I like you.
You've read my books?
No, I mean, as a person.
Oh.
Did you, uh... read my book?
No, I couldn't. I had a really busy week.
Did you read the flap?
Um... no, actually, I didn't.
Why, what was on the flap?
Well, you know, they summarize the book and tell about me.
Did you look at anything at all?
Um, I saw your picture on the back.
I thought it was cute.
You read the picture, then.
So, then, besides me,
who are some of your other favorite authors?
Um...
Gee, I didn't know I'd be taking a test.
Oh, it's not a test.
I'm just making conversation.
Um, let me... let me see.
Oh, who wrote that book about Hollywood?
Hollywood?
Like a coffee-table book?
No-.
What book?
You know, the...
the one where they took all those pills.
Julia Philips.
No, no. I know it's not that one.
No-.
Um... let's see...
Jacqueline.
Um... Jacqueline...
Jacqueline Susann?
Yes. I love her.
You don't mean...
Yes. Valley of the Dolls.
That's it. That was it.
That's what you meant.
You know, that book was written, like, 30 years ago.
So? What, you can't like somebody who wrote a book a long time ago?
No, you're right.
Don't people like Charlie Chaplin?
You know, when did he write?
Charlie Chaplin wasn't a writer. He was a comedian.
No, he wasn't. He was a writer.
Tale of Two Cities, um...
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's get the check.
Help me!
Mmm, I'm thinking about branching out and handling entertainers.
I wonder if that's such a good idea.
Can't a sports agent handle entertainers?
I mean, Mike Ovitz used to handle athletes,
so why not?
John: Well, I guess you're right.
Have you finished your new book?
Actually, I haven't even started it.
I've, uh... got a block.
What's a block?
Uh, it's when he can't write.
Oh, don't tell her that.
I can write, honey.
I just don't know what I'm going to write about.
Uncle John?
Yeah?
Why don't you write about a monster?
Hey, he already did that, buddy.
I can't do it again?
Doesn't Stephen King write about the same thing
over and over and over?
Wife: But that's Stephen King.
What does that mean?
Jeff: She just means, you know...
I mean, he's a big seller.
I see. So that gives him the right to repeat.
I don't have that right.
Misery was cool.
Let's forget it.
Besides, you shouldn't compare yourself to anyone,
let alone Stephen King.
Thanks.
Want to see my latest?
Hmm.
Wow.
Yeah, huh?
What is this?
This is an autographed picture of Babe Ruth.
It is, isn't it?
Yeah.
Jesus. Autographed to you?
Of course not. I wasn't even born then.
No, I know when you were born. Just joking.
“To Harry, good luck. The Babe.“
Well, you know what you have to do.
You have to have another kid and name him Harry.
Then this really becomes valuable.
Look at this.
Hmm.
Know how much that's worth?
It's the original?
Yes, the original. Guess.
I don't know. 2 grand?
$50,000.
Who is going to give you $50,000 for this?
The market is 11-year-olds.
You'd be lucky to get 10 bucks
for anything, wouldn't you?
No. You've no idea about this stuff.
I guess I don't.
Have a seat.
So, what's wrong?
Why does something have to be wrong?
Well, hey, you're here. Somethings wrong.
You don't come here if something isn't wrong.
All right. Somethings wrong.
What's the problem?
How often do you talk to Mother?
Every day-
Really? Every day?
Yeah. Hey, look what I sent her.
What is that?
That's a picture phone.
She's not going to be able to work that.
Why not?
No person over 60 can operate anything like this.
Have you ever seen what she does with call waiting?
This is simple. You look in the camera.
She'll never take the lens cap off.
You want one?
See, I thought maybe the whole family
could look at each other when we talk.
Well, I'm moving out of my place,
so I don't really know where I'd put it.
You're moving out of your place?
Yes. I'm trying to tell you something.
You just take the picture phone and keep it in the box.
Don't unwrap it. Then wherever you go, you plug it in.
O K, good.
Do you feel that Mother likes you?
Yeah. Of course she likes me.
She loves me.
But are you having the life that she thinks you should have?
In other words, did she ever think
that you shouldn't become an agent
because you're not a great one?
I'm not a great one?
I was making $100,000 out of the gate.
We were all blown away, including her.
So if I sold 5 million books,
you think she'd like me more?
She likes you.
But, still, do you think she'd be proud of me?
Do you think she'd bond with me the way she does with you?
You're a complicated guy.
Oh, so that's it, then.
You're a simpleton?
I'm in more of a black-and-white business.
When I have a good year, everyone sees.
Your years are not that visible.
But you don't seek her approval, huh?
I mean, obviously, she doesn't criticize you.
Everything is perfect.
Of course not.
She criticizes the way I raise the kids.
I mean, she has opinions.
It doesn't get to me.
Why does it get to me?
I don't know.
I mean, we're different.
Maybe the relationship with Dad had something to do with this.
Maybe Dad was different with me than he was with you.
Maybe he was.
Well, let me tell you something.
This is affecting my whole life.
I feel estranged from my own mother, and I don't like it.
It affects everything I do, especially with women.
But you ought to just forget about it.
You're grown up.
I mean, there's nothing you can do.
Ah. I don't think that's true.
I've been thinking about this a lot.
I'm going to move back in with Mother.
No, you're not.
Yeah, I am.
That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
That's stupid.
Why?
You're grown up. What are you going to do?
Why are you going to do that?
You know what? You sound a little jealous.
Yeah, right.
I'm jealous. That's what I want is my old room back.
Come on.
Oh, man. Go see a doctor.
No, I don't need to see a doctor.
I wasn't raised by a doctor.
I was raised by my mother.
That's who I need to see.
♪ And here's to you, Mrs. Henderson ♪
♪ Your grown son is moving back today ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ God help him, please, Mrs. Henderson ♪
♪ He looks to you to help him with his life ♪
♪ He lost a wife ♪
♪Again.♪
♪ He'd like for you to welcome him ♪
♪ And make him feel at home ♪
♪ He needs to know you like him coming back;
♪ He knows that you are busy with problems of your own ♪
♪ But please, when you see him ♪
♪ Try not to attack ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, please, Mrs. Henderson ♪
♪ Soon your house will add another one ♪
♪ It's your son ♪
♪ Remember, please, Mrs. Henderson ♪
♪ You're the reason why he's here at all ♪
♪ So, Mother, dear ♪
♪ Don't drop the ball ♪
Where you heading?
Heading up north.
Big Sur?
No. Big Mama.
Ha ha ha!
What the hell does that mean?
[Tires Screeching]
♪ And here's to you, Mother Henderson ♪
♪ Now's the time to step up to the plate ♪
♪ It's your fate ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, please, Mother Henderson ♪
♪ Destiny has given you a call ♪
♪ It's time to take down the wall ♪
♪ Take down the wall ♪
[Honking Horn]
♪ Dee dee dee dee dee dee ♪
♪ Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee ♪
Hi!
Honey, I'm on the picture phone.
Just a minute.
Drove 400 miles, she won't come out.
[Sets Parking Brake]
More to the left, Mom. I can't see you.
I can see you.
That doesn't mean I can see you. You had it right before.
Honey, why don't they put the camera right where you are,
and that way, I won't have to move all over the place.
Just move to the left!
Honey, john is here. I'll call you back.
We didn't even get a chance to talk.
Move up so I can see you.
Let me call you back. John's here now.
Call me back soon.
Oh, do you want to say hi to john?
Do you want to try to see him?
That's all right, Mother.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Ooh. All right, dear.
You'll explain how to work it next time.
[Dial Tone]
[Punching Buttons]
Mother: Oh, honey, how do I turn this thing off?
I told him I like this, but it's driving me crazy.
Oh, honey, you look tired.
I just drove 400 miles.
Can't you start with a hello
and then move into a criticism?
Oh, you know I'm happy to see you.
Now, why didn't you want to stay in a hotel?
I told you what's going on.
You know, dear, I really don't understand
what you mean by “the experiment, “
but listen-the couch will do for a few nights.
I don't want to stay on the couch.
I want to be here longer than a few nights.
I thought I could get my old room back.
No, dear. That's a sewing room now.
You sew?
No, but I have things in there,
and I don't want to start going through them.
But, Mother, I want my room back.
Why?
Because it's part of the experiment.
I want to see what feelings it would bring up to be in there.
Listen, I'll clear everything out.
When I leave, I'll put it all back.
What's the big deal?
You don't want to clear anything out of that room.
Sleep on it tonight, and we'll talk about it tomorrow.
All right, but I know what I want.
Want something to eat?
Um... no.
I made some salad, and I have some meat loaf.
I don't eat meat.
Oh, that's right. That's Jeff who loves it.
I'll have some salad.
Don't have salad just for my sake.
No, no. I'll have it.
Are you sure you want salad?
Yes, I want salad.
Not just for my sake?
Don't get into this food stuff now, please.
Just give me a little salad.
I know what I could do.
I could scrape the top off the meat loaf.
What would that do?
It wouldn't be as much meat then.
But it's still meat.
What difference does it make how much you have?
You really don't like meat, huh?
No, Mother. I don't like eating cows.
Oh, honey, everything comes from a cow.
Everything.
Come on in, honey. Sit.
Ah... there.
You know, if you'd come 2 hours earlier,
we could have had dinner together.
I made great beef stew.
Here you are.
There.
Thanks.
What else can I get for you?
No, Mother, I'll tell you.
I'm really not hungry at all.
I ate in a truck stop, so this is fine.
Well, I have some cold spaghetti,
but it has meat sauce in it.
Can you eat lamb chops?
What the hell is a lamb? It's meat!
I told you, I don't eat it.
Well, it's not a cow.
I didn't know if it was the animal you were siding with
or the whole thing.
The whole thing.
Want some cheese?
No. The salad is fine, I promise.
I'm going to give you some cheese.
That's a lot of cheese.
Got it in hunks.
Mother...
look at the date!
It's 3 years old!
Well, it's been in the freezer.
Yeah, but how cheap was it that you wanted to buy this much of it?
Honey, this is wonderful cheese.
It comes from Switzerland. Very hard to get.
How could it be hard to get? It's all here!
[Motor Whirs]
I don't want the cheese.
Now, dear-
Mother, stop! I don't want any!
Wait a minute.
"It's like This" Old House.
Well, you haven't even tried it.
I can tell by the gross weight I'm not going to like it.
I like my cheeses in the ounces.
When they weigh as much as a Fiat, I get worried.
Whatever.
Can you eat Saltines?
Yes, of course I can eat Saltines.
Can't anybody? That's what they give sick people.
I just didn't know if there was some sort of meat in it.
I didn't know what they use.
Put it away, Mother. I don't want it.
Just clear a portion out of the refrigerator,
and tomorrow, I'll go shopping and get stuff that I like.
You don't have to do that.
No, I want to.
I'm going to be here. I want to have food to eat.
You think you'll be here long enough
that you need to go shopping?
Yes. I wish you'd understand what I'm doing here and support it.
Whoo!
Yuck!
Whats wrong? There can't be meat in that.
This lettuce is 100 years old!
What, did you get this from the Smithsonian commissary?
Honey, lettuce doesn't get old.
Lettuce doesn't get old? Where do you read that?
You never heard of wilted lettuce?
Honey, I just took it out of the freezer.
You're freezing everything.
It was a good invention, but it wasn't meant for everything.
That's why it's smaller than the refrigerator.
You're not supposed to put everything in that little box.
I make my salads on Monday,
and I keep them frozen all week.
I think I know what I'm doing.
I know, but it doesn't taste good to me.
You're just not used to it.
I don't want to get used to it.
I want to go to the market.
How about some sherbet?
Uh-oh. What kind of sherbet?
Oh, what do you mean?
It's delicious! Mmm.
“Sweet Tooth“?
Where do you find Sweet Tooth?
I never hear of these brands.
There's a Baskin-Robbins half a block from here.
I wouldn't go down there.
That's a waste of money.
I'm not going to fall for that.
What are you falling for? They have ice cream in there.
There's no difference.
Why should I pay triple the amount
when they probably go to the supermarket and buy the very same kind?
Mother, the ice cream is colorless.
Look under the protective ice.
The protective ice?
You've actually named the clear, hard crap that sits on the top?
Well, if you don't want it, don't eat it.
You know, when I'm down and you give me these words of wisdom
and you say to me, “Honey, you don't need to see a shrink.
Just don't be hard on yourself.”
How can I possibly do that when I come from you?
You're running a food museum here!
Why can't you just go buy fresh ice cream?
Honey, you haven't even tried it.
You're making fun of the ice cream,
and you haven't even tasted it.
It's wonderful sherbet.
I don't want it. I'm not going to taste it.
Flo?
I don't want it.
You tell me...
Aargh...
Bleah!
Oh, God, this is horribly old!
This tastes like an orange foot!
Oh, my God almighty!
Phooey! Yuck!
You're the first one that didn't like it.
Oh, I bet.
Buy your own, then.
I'm exhausted.
I'm going to go take a bath.
Eat whatever you want to eat.
Just put the dishes in the sink,
and I'll see you in the morning,
and then we'll talk about the couch.
Such a surprise to have you here.
Sleep well, Mother.
Mother: Honey?
Oh. Scared me.
What are you doing?
I just want to see how maybe I could clear out some of these things.
Dear, we were going to talk about that tomorrow.
I don't think it's a good idea.
Mother, I really do want to stay in this room.
It's important to me.
What are you trying to do? Remind me.
I'm trying to recapture a feeling.
You want to stay in here to recapture something.
Yeah. I want to see what feelings it would bring up.
What am I going to do with all this? Just leave it.
We'll put it in the garage temporarily.
We can't do that.
Why?
The garage is full of stuff.
It's full of all my high-school stuff.
You saved everything.
Let me move it in here, and I'll move this back there.
What difference does it make?
What about the car? You might damage it.
I'll pull the car out.
And you'll put it back?
No, I will never put it back.
It will become an Oldsmobile exhibit.
We'll buy a big turntable, it will revolve slowly,
we'll get a good-looking girl with a mike.
I don't want to get everything dusty.
Look at this room!
You've got chairs piled up to the ceiling.
What difference does it make if they get dusty?
I plan to use those chairs.
In what-some sort of a vaudeville act?
The furniture's very heavy, and you're not strong enough,
and I can't help you.
I'll get somebody off the street.
I can go down to Sears and get one of those kids.
You know how to do that?
How to do what?
How to choose those men on the corner.
It's not an art form.
You just point to them, and they get in the car.
Don't overpay them. It's insulting.
I read where they don't like that.
I know. I read the same thing.
When they get their paycheck and it's huge, they feel violated.
Well, they're different than us.
No. You're different than them.
Good night.
Good night, dear.
♪ There's a world ♪
♪ Where I can go ♪
♪ And tell my secrets to ♪
♪ In my room ♪
♪ In this world ♪
♪ I lock out all ♪
♪ My worries and my fears ♪
♪ In my room ♪
♪ Do my brooding and my scheming ♪
♪ Lie awake and pray ♪
♪ Do my crying and my sighing ♪
♪ Laugh at yesterday ♪
♪ Now it's dark and ♪
♪ I'm alone but ♪
♪ I won't be afraid ♪
♪ In my room ♪
john: And... ta-da!
Mother: Oh, this is something!
It looks exactly like it looked when you were in school.
I hope you know what you're doing.
Honey, I'm not sure where the camera is.
It's the tiny hole right above the screen.
I don't think I have the same one you do.
Yes, of course you do. It's the same phone.
Just move to your right.
Hold...
To your left!
Honey, I can't hear you!
[Shouting] Mother! Ma!
Stay there! That's good! Hold it!
Just stay right there. That's fine. Don't move.
Good enough.
Look, I think that he just wants to see
what he can do about your relationship.
Well, what's wrong with our relationship?
Maybe we don't see as much of each other as you and I,
but it's fine.
Just go with it fora little while.
I'm sure he'll get sick of it.
Isn't there something wrong with a grown man
who puts his high-school things back on the shelf?
Well, he's a writer. Chalk it up to that.
Oh, I don't think that has anything to do with writing.
He's not that famous a writer that he can afford to go nuts.
He might be famous one day, Mom. You never know.
Really? Do you really think that's possible?
Do your people think so?
My people? They're athletes.
I don't think they even know who he is.
That's my point.
Don't you worry. I'm sure he'll get tired of it soon.
I'll call you later. Love you.
[Kiss Kiss Kiss]
Oh, my God!
[Clattering]
[Loud Rock Music Playing]
Na na na na na.
♪ Na na na na na na na na na ♪
♪ Na na na na♪;
♪ Aaoww! ♪
♪ Play it, little Molly ♪
♪ Long tall Sally ♪
♪ Do that shotgun ♪
♪ Watch me work, y'all ♪
A' Ow'. Do h;
[Turns Music Off]
Yeah?
Didn't see you.
This is what you do when you're blocked?
Sometimes.
I'm going to go to the market.
Be back in about an hour.
Oh, I want to go with you.
Really?
Well, come on.
John: There's a space right up here, Mother.
Mother: Where?
Right here!
What space?
There! There!
I was looking the other way.
I don't think it was a space.
It has to be a space.
Well, it's where they put the baskets.
Honey, I've been here before.
You're making me nervous.
I don't want to lose it, that's all.
Well, it's not-
You're going around again. No, no. Here. Right here.
What are you doing? It's right there!
Oh, goodness.
They didn't mark it well.
This is like a ride at Disneyland.
Here we go again.
I saw one down here on the left.
What do you mean, the left? Right here!
No. We are not doing this again. No!
Honey, don't do that!
If you want to drive, drive,
but don't grab the wheel.
I had to do something.
Someone had to stop us from going around.
This was the space?
You want a separate basket?
Why?
If I have some meat products in here-
I don't care if meat's in the basket.
I just don't want to ingest it.
I didn't know how far you take this.
No, we can use the same basket.
I think it's appropriate.
Oh. OK.
You want some peanut butter?
As a matter of fact, I do.
“New-Taste“?
Mm-hmm.
I'm going to get the organic.
Oh, honey, there's no difference.
Yeah, but I like the organic.
But there's no reason to pay extra.
This all comes from the same place.
The man told me it's just the label.
I don't think that's necessarily true,
but in any case, I'm buying my own peanut butter.
I want the organic.
I don't know why you want to waste the money.
Why do you want to throw it all away?
Because that's exactly what I want to do.
I want an experience where we throw away 91 cents together.
You throw it away.
New-Taste is as good as any of this, and I won't be fooled.
Organic!
I have an idea.
Let's buy the most expensive jelly in the market.
Oh, honey, you're something.
Come on. What do you think the most expensive jelly is?
I don't buy jelly. I don't know.
Oh, this looks very good.
Oh, don't get that!
Why?
Because it's too expensive. That's a waste of money.
Look, you can get a whole jar here for $2.50.
Why would you want to spend $10.95?
Because, thank God, I can afford it,
and it might be good.
Come on, Mother. Let's experience this together.
I don't want this experience!
You're fooled by these names, all that fancy wrapping.
I'm not fooled by anything.
This isn't what the experiment's about.
It's not about being fooled.
It's about splurging.
You see, I realize something.
I think you treat yourself very cheaply,
and I think therefore
you have instilled that into me.
I don't treat myself cheaply at all.
I lived through the Depression. You didn't.
The Depression! You were 2.
By the way, things aren't so great right now.
Well, it's not the thirties.
You don't have to wait in line to buy bread.
Man: Yes. Sourdough, please.
You know, I've heard this Depression story a lot,
but I don't know what it has to do
with splurging for jam now.
We're in the nineties, Mother.
It's fancy-jam time.
See, I realize something.
We don't like ourselves enough.
You don't give yourself anything.
I don't give myself anything.
It's all so clear!
Shh. Honey, I don't want to have this discussion now.
I like myself very much.
Just because I don't want to spend $10 for bullshit jam
has nothing to do with what I feel about myself!
I never heard you use the word bullshit before.
You never heard me use a lot of words.
Oh! What a waste.
For God's sakes, looks like a toy!
The checker's going to have a good laugh over this.
Mother, can't you just forget about it?
Can't you throw caution to the wind?
Caution I can throw all day. Jelly is another matter.
My goodness, a brand.
Whats the matter?
Don't they make New-Nuts?
I enjoy my Grape-Nuts.
I know you do.
Hmm, I need some Sweet Tooth.
P.A. System: Shoppers, there's no waiting at check stand 5.
No waiting, check stand 5.
If you tell me there's a difference between salt,
I'm really going to get upset.
You do not know how to market.
No, I know there's no difference between salt.
I know salt's all the same.
It's all all the same!
It's not all all the same!
Beatrice! Hello! This is my sister.
Sis, this is my neighbor Beatrice.
How do you do?
I forget your name.
Alice.
So nice to see you, Beatrice.
Alice is going to be here for a week,
and then she's taking a cruise to Mexico.
Oh, my-a cruise!
Oh, my!
I'm, uh, john.
This is my son-the other one.
Oh.
He's staying with me for a while.
He likes this jelly.
Woman: Look at that!
Oh, I've heard of that. It's organic.
You've heard of it?
Oh, yes. They're very big in the catalog business.
Really!
Yes. I hear their jelly is wonderful, and you know what else?
They have a peanut butter for $12 that's out of this world.
Well, just think of that.
Leave it to my son.
Woman: So, you're the writer?
Yes.
Well, he hasn't written anything for a while,
but he's working on a new book.
Thanks for the intro, Mother.
What are you writing?
I'm working on a science fiction novel.
Like Stephen King.
- Whoo! - Whoo!
Now, Stephen King could afford this jelly.
My son, I'm not so sure.
[Everyone Laughs]
Let's go. We got a lot of shopping to do.
Excuse us.
I will speak to you, Beatrice.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too, john.
Nice to see you. Have a nice trip to Mexico.
Thank you.
Don't drink the water.
You see what you do?
All you do is apologize for me!
I don't apologize for you at all.
Maybe I am a little embarrassed about the jelly. So what?
Why would you be embarrassed about the jelly?
Didn't her sister like it?
Her sister doesn't know anything.
You want to know something about her?
No, I really don't.
She was in some sort of institution for a few years.
Nobody knows what really happened.
She went insane for spending a few dollars more for her food.
[Crash]
Oh, my goodness!
Oh, my-
What did we do?
We must have come around the same way.
I told you.
This markets so confusing.
I thought this was the freezer.
They don't have a freezer.
Of course they do.
Where were you trying to go?
Woman: To the freezer.
And you came around the same way?
That's so funny!
That is so funny!
It's not that funny.
Mother, let's go.
We're right back where we started.
You know what they just did?
Don't tell the clerk!
[Beatrice Retells The Story]
We're going to turn into skeletons with this conversation.
Can you believe this?
Mother, I beg you, let's go.
Oh, he wants to go.
That's so funny! I'll talk to you later.
Come on, honey. Let's get your nonmeat things.
[Laughter Continues]
That's very funny.
Honey, look.
I cleared out the refrigerator.
I'm going to give you the right-hand side,
and I'll put your stuff there.
It's like It Happened One Night for food.
Oh, I love that movie. Clark Gable was wonderful.
Do you really want to separate the refrigerator?
Oh, yes, dear. It'll be much easier.
That way you won't accidentally eat some meat.
It's good that you know that about me.
I accidentally eat things all day long.
What are you doing?
I can't get it to fit completely on my side.
It's just going to have to stick over a little.
Mother, would you forget the separation?
Just leave the refrigerator alone.
I can get the stuff that I like.
I just thought I'd make it easier for you.
Then don't manage the food.
My eyes are connected to my brain
like in a real person.
I know exactly what it is that I want to eat.
Fine. If you'd rather not divide it up, we don't divide it up.
Would you like some of your food now?
Yes. I'm a little hungry.
Let me make you something.
Why don't you set the table and sit down?
Honey, tell me again, because people will start asking...
You're here why?
Why?
Well, it's complicated, Mother, but you know why.
Well, you're having problems, and you're blaming me.
Is that it?
I'm not blaming anyone.
It's just that things aren't working out so great
with the women in my life right now,
and I feel that, until I can figure this situation out,
I probably will never be able to figure that situation out.
So, you know, whatever I learn here,
I'll take into that part of my life and apply it there.
Hey! That's a very good way to say it.
Hmm? Oh, I wasn't listening.
Tell them what?
This is one of the problems.
Just don't tell them anything.
Forget it.
Yes. I could pretend you're here for just a regular reason.
Yeah-like a visit. I'm your son.
Yes, of course. You could be here for any kind of a reason.
For example, you could have injured yourself,
and you need me to take care of you.
I'm not going to limp for you, Mother.
No, no. Some internal injury.
So you're not making it work with the women, dear?
No. Things aren't going so great right now.
Oh, Karen was lovely.
What was the problem there again?
She didn't support me.
Did you support her?
Yeah, I supported her.
Did you, dear? I remember when she want...
Oh, I forget which one.
What did she want to do that you didn't want?
Leave me.
Oh. Why would you support that?
The hell with her, dear. She wasn't that cute anyway.
Mother, I'm fine with her.
We don't have to trash her looks.
What are you doing?
Stop! No more food! It's like Fantasia'!
You said you were hungry.
For my whole life,
I've never been able to deal with these food questions.
You ask me if I'm hungry,
I tell you yes, you bring me food.
You ask me if I'm hungry,
I tell you no, you bring me food.
You ask me the questions,
but you don't listen to the answers,
so I know I'm going to get food
no matter what I tell you.
Therefore, I adjust how hungry I tell you I am
to know how much food I'm going to get.
From now on, just bring what you want.
Really. I'll eat what you bring me,
or I won't eat what you bring me.
It doesn't matter.
Bring it anyway, and that's the end of the food deal.
Honey, I never knew it was this much of a problem.
I will never ask you about food anymore.
Oh, Mother, you can ask me,
but you know what I mean.
Oh, I just wish your father were alive
so he could take a little of this blame.
Is that a joke?
Yes, it is, honey.
Every time you say something funny, I'm shocked.
I know.
You must think of me as some sort of a moron.
No, no. Not a moron.
Just someone who thinks I'm a moron.
Well, it takes one to know one,
doesn't it, dear?
So, let me ask you something.
The son does get more from his mother,
for the most part, anyway,
than his father, doesn't he?
Yes, in your case, but not all the time.
Well, who instilled the cheapness and self-loathing?
You, right?
Dear, I'm tired.
We can berate me tomorrow.
I love you, Mother.
You know, if you talk to the women
the way you talk to me sometimes,
I can see why they all leave you.
They didn't all leave me.
I left some of them.
Really!
I didn't know that.
It is morning on this strange planet.
We do not know where we are,
but we are safe, at least for the moment.
What is outside, no one will ever know.
What is outside, nobody...
It is morning on this strange planet.
We do not know where we are, but we are safe, at least for the moment.
What is outside, nobody will ever know.
No one?
No one.
What is outside, no one will ever know.
Mother: Honey?
Yeah?
I'm going out, and I'll be back later.
Are you all right?
Yeah. Where are you going?
I have some shopping and things to do.
Oh, look at this!
This is beautiful.
Oh, you never saw one before?
Only in the store. My goodness, look what they've done.
Did you ever use one?
No-.
Do you know how to type?
Do I know how to type?
I was the fastest typist in my class.
Number one.
But it was manual.
Then they didn't do all those things.
Come on. You got to try it.
Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
No. Try it. It's easy.
It's the same as manual.
It just does it all for you.
Let's see.
Mother!
You're amazing!
No mistakes, and you're fast.
I'm impressed.
I never knew this.
Your mother does a lot of things you don't know.
Well, that's why I'm here.
Tell me everything.
You came here to find out what I do?
I thought you came here because
of the problems with the women.
The problems with the women,
to find out what you do- the whole thing. Come on.
Not now, dear. I have to go.
Oh, Mother?
I'm taking you out to dinner tonight, so be ready at 8:00.
What?
We have a date.
I want you to be ready at 8:00 sharp.
I'll pick you up in your room.
Honey, you don't have to do that. I'll make something.
No more house cheese.
This is going to be a very special evening.
Hmm!
To the experiment, whatever it is.
To the experiment.
And you look good.
But?
What, dear?
Just wondering when the but's coming.
Is that what you think I do?
I don't think you do it. That's what you do.
I don't mean anything by it.
It's just something a mother does.
I don't know that every mother does that.
I don't think every mother says,
“Honey, you look good, but your hair is thinning.“
Honey, I never told you your hair was thinning.
Yes, you did.
The last time I was at the house,
on my way out you called after me,
“Look out for your bald spot.“ Remember?
Well, someone has to say that.
And by the way, whatever you did, it looks wonderful.
You can barely tell.
I used that Minoxidil stuff.
I was one of the lucky ones.
But it doesn't work up here, hmm?
What are you-What is-Why?
Why should it work up here?
I have hair here. I didn't even put it here.
I see there's hair there.
No, no, dear. I was just-
It's for the back.
That's where I put it. That's where it worked.
Oh, that's a miracle.
Just think.
It was a blood pressure medicine.
Isn't that funny?
They accidentally found out it grew hair.
Isn't that the way it always works?
They always accidentally find something.
Do you know how the cane was invented?
No-.
How?
Oh, I don't know, dear.
I just can't imagine that was its original purpose.
Thank you.
That looks delicious.
Looks lovely.
And you, sir.
Thank you very much.
Would you like another martini?
Oh, no.
Yes. 2 olives.
I'm fine. Thank you.
You don't speak to your brother very much, do you, dear?
No. No, I don't.
I wonder why.
Maybe it's the age difference.
Well, age difference, every difference.
You know, we're just different. That's all.
I just wish you could meet a girl like Cheryl.
She's a wonderful girl, don't you think?
I like her. Yeah, she's very nice.
So what happened?
You just had some bad luck?
What do you mean?
I just mean, he seemed to hit it off right away,
and they have children, and they're happy, and you haven't found it.
Well, I can't help that, Mother.
I can't help who I am. What am I supposed to do?
Of course not, dear. I know that.
I'm just saying it's interesting how someone has good luck
and someone has bad luck.
Mother, I don't look at my life as good luck and bad luck, you know?
I'm on a quest. We're different people.
He's an agent. I'm a writer.
There's a big difference there.
You know something?
Maybe you should write about that.
What did you say?
I just think you should think about
writing about real thin gs-you know,
people, instead of all that science fiction all the time.
Science fiction has people in it.
What kind of a comment is that?
It's not a bad comment, dear.
It's just my opinion.
I mean, I just think it would be interesting
to write about what's really right here
instead of all that made-up stuff...
You know, with the large heads.
And what was that one character you had with just a big hand?
Even if I wrote about “right here, “
I'd have to make it up, wouldn't I?
Isn't it more visionary to make up a world that doesn't even exist?
Maybe.
Well, maybe you're right. You're right.
Mother, you don't have to like science fiction.
I'm not going to bully you into liking the genre.
No, dear, I love science fiction.
No, you don't.
Oh, yes, I do. I think it's very creative.
But not as creative as, what- a story about brothers?
You know, dear, you misunderstand me.
I know. Vice versa.
Well, let's change the subject.
To a new subject.
New subject.
Maybe when you stopped eating meat,
your writing became a little thinner.
[Telephone Ringing]
Oh, dear, the phone.
Why don't you get an answering machine?
I had one, but it broke. I never got it fixed.
You don't get them fixed. You throw them away.
Hello?
Jeff: Hi, Mom.
Oh, hi, honey.
Sit down in front of the camera.
Honey, I just walked in. I'm exhausted.
Let me use this phone.
Where were you?
We went to the most beautiful restaurant.
Listen, I closed a giant deal today.
[Whispering] Big deal.
Oh, really, dear?
It was fabulous. It was fabulous!
I'll call you later, and you can tell me all about it.
Let me tell you about it now. You can't talk now?
Honey, I just walked in,
and I just-well, I'd like to be able to concentrate.
OK. Forget it. I'll tell you about it later.
All right, dear. Sleep well.
Good. Say hi to john.
All right.
O K. Bye.
Your brother says hi.
Hi.
Want something to eat?
You got to be kidding.
You're not full?
What a wonderful time we had this evening. Thank you, honey.
It was fun.
As much as I don't want to, I guess I'll go in my room
and see if I can work a little bit.
You don't feel silly in that room, huh, dear?
I do a little bit, yeah.
And yet you still want to be in there.
Yeah.
I guess you know what you're doing.
So, tomorrow I figure we'll go shopping and have a nice lunch.
Oh, I can't do anything tomorrow.
Why not?
I have to take the car in.
What time is that?
9:00.
So how does that ruin the whole day?
Oh, well, if there's something wrong,
you know, they might want me to leave it.
You never know what they're going to say.
What is wrong with the car?
It's some sort of a rattle.
I'll take a look at it.
No, dear, I can't do that.
Why not?
You could void the warranty.
I could what?
They told me if I took it to some other place
other than the dealer, it would void the warranty.
Mother, I'm not another place. I'm your child.
I don't have a waiting room with magazines and a service adviser
who's going to tap you on the shoulder and talk to you.
I'm your kid.
Honey, forget about it. You could make it worse.
I can't get over how much you know about cars.
I just tightened the bolt on the air cleaner.
I don't really know anything about cars.
It's wonderful, dear.
I'm sure they would have found something
to charge me a fortune for.
It's so nice to have a man around the house.
Dad used to fix stuff?
Oh, God, no.
I just always liked that expression.
[Loud Buzzer]
Ticket Machine: Please take the ticket.
[Car Horn Honks]
Take that ticket.
Honey, I wonder...
Maybe-l don't know, but we could park the car-
It's free. You don't even have to have it validated.
Just take the ticket.
You don't have to have it validated?
Take the ticket!
My goodness, look what they do at these places!
You've never been here before?
You know, it's far from the house.
What am I going to do? I'm not going to come here.
It's 10 minutes from the house.
Oh. Well, it felt far.
There's a Gap up there.
Come on. I need some underwear.
Yes, may I help you?
Yeah, I need to get some underwear.
OK.
That's my son.
I didn't come here to pick out underwear for him.
He's just staying with me for a while.
Mother, I understand when you tell your friends,
but this is a kid we don't have to tell this to.
What is your name?
Steve.
Steve, other than selling us things,
you don't give a shit about us, do you?
No, not really.
See?
You tell everyone.
I don't tell everyone.
You do. You don't even realize it.
You're just trying to justify everything to strangers.
That's not it at all, dear.
People are just curious why a grown man and his mother
would be in an underwear store.
Who cares if they're curious?
What difference does it make?
You see what's going on?
You want their approval, I want your approval.
It's all about approval.
We have an approval problem in this family.
We don't have any problem in this family,
and lower your voice.
You're making this much too serious.
Now, where do you want to go next?
Well, there's a little store
down there called “Tell It All.“
You go in and tell them your most personal secrets.
You're joking?
Yeah.
If only your writing were that real.
Oh, look at this.
Oh!
Hi!
Hi, cutie.
Yeah.
Honey, put that down.
Don't play with that.
Do you know how much this dog is?
Mother, I'm just petting it.
I'm not Lennie in Of Mice and Men.
What am I going to do, kill it?
But, honey, look, it's over $3,000. You don't want to-
Don't want to what?
All right.
Do what you want.
Hello, cutie.
Hi, cutie.
Aw, yes, honey.
My son's in town just for a while.
That's why we're shopping today.
Slowed-down Voice: Normally he doesn't live with me.
He's divorced.
Actually, it's his second divorce.
They just can't seem to stay married anymore.
I don't know.
I can't believe that you told him I was divorced.
Honey, he asked.
Oh, I'm sure he did. That's what they do in these stores.
Before they can sell you a bird,
they need to know your marital status.
What difference does it make?
What if we were man and wife'?
Shh! Honey, please!
Oh, Mother, I got to run in here for one second.
I got to get a woman something very quickly.
What, what?
You're going to get a woman something in here?
Yeah.
Who?
Excuse me?
Welcome to Victoria's Secret. May I help you?
Yes, I'm buying my mother a pair of crotchless panties.
You're what?
Wonderful. Do you know what size you are, ma'am?
What size are you?
Uh, n-n-n-V m-No she. No-
He's just joking. He's a writer.
It's all made up. We're not getting anything.
We're getting out of here. Thank you.
She's shy. Sexy, but shy.
It's an experiment, you see?
I'm part of an experiment...
where we're things that we're not.
Remind me to call Jeff when I get home.
That's now the 30th time you told me that.
I don't want to forget.
What are you so worried about? What if you forgot?
That has nothing to do with it.
You know they want me to come down there,
and they need to know about the room.
Come down there? When?
I was going to go this weekend.
But I'm here.
You want to come with me?
No. I just came from there.
Mother, we need time alone.
We do?
Look, I don't want to upset your life.
You do what you want to do.
You don't want to upset my life?
I thought that was part of the experiment.
No, it's not part of the experiment.
Go visit Jeff.
No. I'll stay with you.
Are you sure that's what you want to do?
No, dear, I'm not, but I'll stay.
Well, Christ, Mom, we're all expecting you.
You can't just do that.
Well, it's just that John is here.
And let me get through with him,
and then I'll come down there.
But how long will that be?
I don't know, honey.
He doesn't tell me.
What's going on?
That's great.
You know, somebody could have told us before, Mother.
We had plans.
What's the problem?
I should be asking you that.
We are planned. Now she's not coming.
You know what?
You talk to her every goddamned day of your life.
Can I have this little bit of time?
I don't talk to her every goddamned day of anybody's life,
and you can do whatever you want.
Get some help, buddy!
Hey!
Watch it, will you?
What's the matter with you?
My mother's not coming here this weekend.
Where's she going?
She's staying up there with john.
So that's OK, isn't it?
We had a plan, didn't we?
She was going to come down here.
We were going to do something with the kids. Yes?
Yes. We can't do something with the kids?
That's not the point.
No, that is the point.
It's almost like you're not going to live
unless your mother comes here.
I like to be with my mother.
Is there something wrong with that?
I mean, just because I get along with mine.
Oh, go to hell.
I'm tired of this, and there's a big difference
between getting along with and not being able to live without.
What does that mean?
It means you're a mama's boy.
Screw you!
I'm not a mama's boy.
I love my mother.
What's wrong with that?
How do you think that makes me feel?
You find out that your mother's not coming here,
and your world ends.
I don't mean anything, the kids don't mean anything.
Don't you think that's a little odd at your age?
What are you afraid of?
Lam not afraid of anything.
What does that mean?
Your brother went up there
to figure out his relationship with his mother.
I think you'd better do the same thing.
My relationship with my mother is perfect. I don't have his problem.
Don't be too sure.
I don't think you know your mother any better than he does.
You just cling more.
[Door Slams]
They say that these animals have better memory than even us.
We don't have that good of a memory.
I don't think animals get Alzheimer's.
Hmm.
You know, I once read about that.
What did I read?
It was-I'm thinking.
I think you've just proved the point.
Now, let's see if this animal remembers me.
That's the same elephant as when I was a kid.
How do you know?
Look at his rear.
The white diamond.
Remember?
That's the same animal.
Now, we came here a lot, right?
We came here dozens of times. Call him.
Hey!
Fatty!
It's John and his mother.
Remember we fed you a lot?
Remember?
[Aroo]
No, he's walking away.
I guess he doesn't remember me, huh?
He might remember you. He might not like you.
Honey, I don't need this.
Mother, nobody needs a T-shirt with their name on it.
We're getting it just for fun.
These people-
Uh-uh-uh.
You're right.
That looks perfect. Thanks.
Look at this.
Lam very proud of you.
Why?
You know why. This was a big step.
You didn't make any explanation, no apologies.
Now I think we should graduate
and go onto something far more embarrassing.
There's a nude beach nearby, but it's not very nice out.
That's... a joke?
You think I'd go to a nude beach?
Very good, Mother.
John: Mother, stop sign coming up right here.
Stop sign.
Stop sign! What are you doing?
Mother: Where?
Where?! All right, that's it.
Hold the penguin. I'm driving.
Well, look who's here.
Jeff, honey!
What you got there?
Well, we just came home from the zoo. Anything wrong?
No, no. Nothing at all.
I was just up here on business.
I thought I'd drop by and say hello.
Come on in.
Hey.
Honey, I like your suit.
You don't think it's too long, do you?
Oh, no.
No, look at it.
Business, huh? Came up here on business?
Who's up here?
What does that mean?
I mean, who do you represent that lives in the Bay Area?
If you knew anything about sports, there's about 6 teams up here,
so I don't want to talk about it, OK?
What should I make to eat?
You still have that sherbet?
Absolutely.
OK.just a bowl of that and some of that cheese if you have that, too.
Mother: Good, good.
[Whispering] You like her food?
Huh?
Nothing.
So, Jeff, everything all right with you?
Yeah, everything's all right.
Look, could I speak to john alone for a second?
Of course, honey. John, show him your room.
Ha ha!
Yeah, show me your room.
Let's see that room of yours, John.
No cheese for me.
Oh!
Pretty cool, huh?
Oh, boy!
Look...
don't take this the wrong way,
but I think this is tragic.
Oh, man, who asked you?
L-I-l don't think Mother has anything to do with your problem.
Look who's talking.
Look who immediately got on an airplane
because Mommy couldn't listen to the good news.
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm here on business. I told you I'm on the way to the airport.
Stop bullshitting yourself.
You don't have any business here. You missed Mommy.
Listen, I don't make a living in a room all day like you, OK?
I travel all the time.
Please do not tell me what my business consists of.
I think you're kidding yourself,
and I think you ought to examine this.
Don't tell me what to examine. I have a very nice family.
I think I'm pretty well adjusted.
Whatever.
Anyway, I'd like Mom to come down this weekend and see the kids.
So it's no big deal, really, is it?
Yeah, it's a big deal.
She already told you she's staying here with me.
Why can't you understand that?
And whose idea was that, yours or hers?
Oh, I'm telling her what to say now?
I have children. Do you understand? They'll be disappointed.
They want to see their grandmother.
Whatever it is that you're doing here, and God only knows...
I mean, can't it hold for 2 days? She'll be back.
Robot to earthling.
Mommy not coming with you.
Mommy staying here.
Robot to earthling.
OW!
All right, let's see whose idea it was.
OW!
Mom, if you can get away for 3 days-
I mean, the kids, you know, they would love to see you.
Mother, you've already made this decision.
You don't have to make it again.
Now, don't let him intimidate you.
Honey, nobody intimidates me.
Dear, I'm going to stay up here fora little while,
and when I'm through I'll come down and see everybody.
Fine. I'll just tell the kids you're not coming.
Oh, I forgot about the kids.
Look what he's doing.
What makes you think the kids want to see you, anyway?
Don't you think they'd rather be outside playing?
You know, I always thought that.
I always thought they stayed indoors for me.
Is that right, Jeff?
Mother, don't be silly. Don't listen to him.
That's right. That's what I liked to do when I was a kid.
Stay inside in a darkened room with my grandmother.
I don't need this sarcastic shit.
You don't want to come, don't come. It's OK. Fine.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Oh, I feel terrible.
He succeeded now.
See what he's doing to you?
Honey, don't leave like this.
Really. It's nothing.
Then come with me.
“Then come with me.“ My God, it sounds like you're lovers.
We're lovers?!
You're the one that's living with her!
Well, I have some news for you.
We are lovers.
That's a joke?
No, it isn't a joke.
I didn't want to tell you earlier. I thought it would upset you.
No. God! Um-
Why are you talking like this?
Why would you even say something like that? It's disgusting.
Why is it disgusting? Don't you read history?
It didn't start with me.
I love my mother, and I love having sex with her.
Oh, my God!
[Mouthing Words]
You ought to examine yourself that you could
even make a joke like that.
Well, you ought to examine yourself that you take it so seriously.
Shh!
By the way, you make so much fun of the picture phones,
why don't you send the one I gave you back, OK?
It's still in the box. Take it. I don't give a crap.
Keep it. I get them for free, anyway.
[Whispering] Free?
I told you. Some gift, huh?
But nothing happened out of the ordinary?
Uh-huh.
No, no. He just seemed so upset.
They were having this argument,
and he stormed out of the house.
I mean, really, it was-
Hmm?
Oh, now, dear.
Don't be upset about it, dear.
No. It happens to everybody.
If you want to, you can call me later.
Yeah.
All right, honey.
Good-bye, honey.
Who was that?
Cheryl.
I have a theory about this whole thing.
Do you want to hear it?
What is it?
Well, the so-called adjusted one is actually the sickie,
and the one who everyone thinks is sick
is pretty darn healthy to begin with.
Which one are you?
Hey, tomorrow at 11:00...
Oh, honey, I can't do anything with you tomorrow.
Why?
Don't ask me any questions.
I have something to do.
Do you work for the C.I.A.?
What are you doing?
I hate to talk about every single thing.
You're secretly going down to Jeff's, aren't you?
I have a friend who I see every 3 or 4 weeks
when he comes through San Francisco,
and he's coming.
Normally, we spend a couple of days together,
but I told him, because you were here, just one day.
Well, first of all, I'm really upset because I told you
not to alter your life because of me.
I'm not having somebody stay in the house when you're here.
He stays over?
Well, not really.
Not really?
Well, do you want me to go to a hotel?
That's a waste of money.
Which hotel?
I don't want to go to a hotel.
I want to stay in my room.
I know, honey.
That's why he's not staying over this time.
But I do have to see him.
What's his name?
Charles.
I'm curious-why have I never heard of this man before?
I don't tell you everything.
It's not that important.
Not that important?
Gee, Mother, I would think
a man that you're intimate with is pretty important.
Dear, we're not intimate.
We just have sex occasionally.
Oh...
I mean, oh.
[Doorbell Rings]
Oh, hello.
You must be Charles.
You must be the other son.
Are you still blocked?
Still blocked?
Yeah. Word travels, doesn't it?
I've heard an awful lot about you.
Your mother's very proud of you.
I thought you had the wrong address.
Now I'm positive.
You should hear her talk about you.
I have. That's why I'm here.
When you're not here, she brags her head off.
What does she do?
Marvel that I can get all of my fat under my clothes?
No, I haven't heard that one. How do you do that?
Oh, there she is.
I see you've met.
What are you two talking about?
Just the whole damn thing, that's all.
[Whispering] Honey, don't bother him with the experiment.
He'll never understand.
I didn't say anything.
He's not like us.
I didn't tell anything.
All right, I'm ready to go.
Honey, there's some food in the refrigerator.
Mother, you promised. No more food talk.
All right, dear.
Be asleep when we get home.
You have that food problem, too?
So he didn't want to stay in a hotel.
Let's not let that ruin our evening.
Oh, it's not ruining anything.
By the way, for later on, I, uh...
I rented that movie.
Oh, we're not watching any movies. No, no, no.
You'll just drop me off.
What?
This is not the time for that.
When he goes back to Los Angeles, you'll show me.
I don't want to wait that long.
When is he going back?
I don't know, but no movies... Not tonight.
Now, please.
Beatrice, I'm sorry, but I don't understand.
Well, think about it.
I have a 40-year-old man 20 feet away,
and I don't feel very private.
Wasn't that one of your fantasies?
A 40-year-old man... 20 feet away...
No. That was a 60-year-old man 6 feet under.
Now I'm warning you, he's my son,
and I don't want to talk about it.
All right.
Let's just have a nice dinner,
and then maybe later you'll change your mind.
I'm not going to change my mind.
No movies, no nothing, until he goes home.
Well, we can talk about it in the car, can't we?
That's a silly place to talk about it.
God forbid, what if we got pulled over?
I think you're thinking of dirty underwear.
They don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, don't be too sure.
When they point those things at you,
I just wonder what they really know.
Man On TV: Beef jerky,
just marinate in a combination of soy sauce and brown sugar.
Place the meat on the trays, you plug it in,
and that's all there is to making beef jerky.
Second Man On TV: I learned technique.
That's why I wrote the Warner book, Technique.
Take a look at Paul Avaloni.
Look at him-60-inch waist.
Look at this. That's what we're talking about.
Right?
Third Man On TV: Look at this. Really fine.
Fourth Man On TV: This is perfect.
So many recipes call for chopped onion.
That's right, and Mexican food...
Oh, I love Mexican food.
Fifth Man On TV: But watch how it works, ladies.
Woman On TV: We're ready. This is great.
Second Woman On TV: We've seen this once.
First Woman: Look at the smile on Ari's face.
Now, Ron, you're about 3 inches from his scalp-
Ron: That's all you do.
And you're just spraying it,
like you would a bottle of hairspray.
It's as simple as that.
[Whispering] Jeanette's Secret Locket.
[indistinct Whispering]
“As I turned the corner on main street,
the sun was shining right behind me.”
Princess Anna.
Irene Takes a Lover.
“The room was dark except for the slash of light
that peeked through the curtains.
Irene dreaded going home.
The darkness of the house
equaled the darkness of her marriage.”
This looks good.
Unbelievable.
Ha ha ha!
Please?
Shh.
No, I'm just saying please.
Don't beg-not here.
What if he's asleep already?
You said he's a very sound sleeper.
That's Jeff. I don't think this one ever sleeps.
Why don't we just go in and see,
and then if he's up, I'll leave.
Well, all right.
John?
Oh, hi.
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
Why do you have all this stuff out?
Well, I'm just looking at it.
Well, who told you you could do that?
That's mine.
Who told you to do that?
What right have you got to touch my stuff?
Mother, take it easy.
I just saw the boxes in the closet.
Mother?
I'll call you later. I need to talk to john.
Are you sure? I thought maybe-
That's it.
Good night.
Lam very upset with you, really.
I don't rummage through your stuff.
I didn't do anything. What's the big deal?
What have you got to hide?
I have nothing to hide.
These boxes are put away for a reason.
What reason?
My reason.
All right, I'm putting it all away.
Mother...
Mother?
Did you write all that stuff?
No. A little elf wrote it.
Of course I wrote it.
You know, the children's story was beautiful.
I'm not sure what you're talking about.
I've written many of those,
and that was a longtime ago.
And I'll tell you something...
If I thought people would be rummaging through this,
I don't think I would have saved anything.
What are you talking about, people? I'm your goddamn son.
Please.
Oh, Mother, we're 7 walls away from another ear.
What else did you look at?
I was just looking through the boxes
and just seeing what was in them, that's all.
That was another part of me. That's the past.
You know I don't like to look back.
Your father always said,
“Never look back. They might be gaining on you.“
I think it was Satchel Paige who said that.
So when did you do all this stuff?
It was a longtime ago.
You weren't even born then.
What are you doing? You smoke?
I'll have one once a year
when I'm feeling this way.
Boy, you really must be upset.
Look, we're actually using the living room.
I'm going to take all those boxes out of there.
You can have the entire closet.
We'll do it in the morning.
You don't have to take the boxes out.
If you ask me not to look at it, I won't look at it.
I think it'll be safer.
Oh, safer, whatever. Take them all out. I don't care.
Honey, do you remember once
when I looked at your high-school yearbook
and how upset you were because of the pictures you didn't like?
You weren't looking at my high-school yearbook.
You were showing it to everyone.
That's what / remember.
“Look, everybody. Doesn't his head look a little big?“
Remember?
Wait a second.
It just occurred to me. This is why I write about big heads.
Oh, blame something else on me.
I'm not blaming anything on you.
I think that's a very good character.
He's not a good character.
You want to know why?
Yes.
You make someone with a head that big,
but he's stupider than everyone else.
I was just trying to be different.
Why can't a guy have a big head and still be stupid?
Why is his head that big, then?
Well, part of it's empty.
Honey, no God's going to create
a head that big with nothing in it.
What about the dinosaurs?
Their heads were full.
They just had small heads.
You never saw a dinosaur with a huge head and a little brain.
Their brain was the size of their head.
I don't know how the hell we got on this subject,
but you should see yourself when you talk to me about this.
You just light up.
Boy, Mother, you must have stuffed
the creative part of you way down there somewhere.
Oh, no. You're not going to analyze me at midnight.
Which children's story did you read?
The one about the flight around the world.
That was about Amelia Earhart.
Do you remember her?
Yes, of course I do.
That was very clever, what you did.
You took a real character, but you turned it into fiction.
You know, that was way ahead of your time.
Woodward and Bernstein did that.
I'm trying to think of who that is.
It doesn't matter. It's a compliment.
So tell me something-where did you learn all about this stuff?
Did you think I was born yesterday?
You know, every child thinks their mother
just came to life when they were born.
I was around a longtime before you.
Well, that's the part I'm trying to find out.
Every time I ask a question, you don't seem to want to talk about it.
Well, it's in the past.
Stop saying that, Mother. It's not in the past.
That past is plopped all over our lives.
How much have you written?
Did you ever get anything published?
No, I never published.
Your father talked me out of it.
Why would he do that?
Well, you know, dear, in those days a woman didn't have a career.
You know, she just...
raised children who she hated for ruining her life
and killing her chances at doing the one thing she loved.
Well, my goodness.
I never heard it put exactly like that,
but... yes...
I'm afraid that's true.
[Softly] We did it.
We figured it out, Mother.
Look what just happened.
We know why you hate me.
We know why she hates me!
♪ We know why she hates me ♪
I don't hate you. Stop it!
Sit down!
Mother, this is so exciting!
I want to hear everything.
Tell me exactly, when did you start to write?
I started in high school,
and then I got a scholarship to college.
Because of the writing?
Yes. That's where I met your father, in college.
You know that.
Yeah, but I never knew how you got there.
No kid knows what his parents majored in.
I never told you, huh?
So no wonder you like Jeff better.
There's no threat there.
I just have to be a huge threat to you.
I don't like Jeff better.
But still, he doesn't represent the writer.
I represent what you had to stop.
Maybe you're right.
How do you like that?
Listen to me.
I'm sorry, Mother.
I wish I could have done something to change all of this-
you know that-
but I had nothing to do with it.
But for the very first time, for the first time,
I don't see you as my mother.
I see you as a failure...
and it's wonderful.
I'm a failure, and that's wonderful?
All right, honey...
if that's what you need.
Mother, I'm going into town fora little bit.
I'll be back later.
Oh, honey, listen. I was thinking this morning.
As long as you have your computer in there,
I don't think one phone line is enough.
So go ahead and get the other phone line
that you wanted just for the computer.
Thanks, but I don't need it.
Why?
Because we're through.
We did it.
We did?
Mother, I came here not understanding anything,
and now I understand all of it.
So just live your life, OK?
Live your life, and I'll do the best I can.
I don't blame you for anything anymore.
It's not your fault.
I see you as a real person.
You do?
Yes, and it's fine.
My goodness. I didn't get that moment that you did.
You will. Don't worry.
So you don't need to stay, then?
No. I'm fine.
Go down to L.A. Stay with Jeff.
Sleep with Charles. Do whatever you want.
Oh...
But, Mother, just think.
From now on, when we talk on the phone,
we don't talk as mother and son.
We talk like 2 writers.
One blocked and insecure,
one stifled and angry.
Which one am I, dear? I forget.
So, are you going to go back to work now?
No. I think I'm going to take a couple of weeks off
and just enjoy this realization.
Maybe I'll even buy myself some new clothes.
That's what I like to hear.
Do buy yourself some new clothes.
All right, I'll make you a deal.
For every new piece of clothing I buy,
you buy one brand-new ounce
of very expensive cheese.
Does Kraft count?
Oh, Mother, that's so sweet.
Yes. Yes, Kraft counts.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss you, too, Mother.
Bye. Love you.
If it gets cold, put the top up.
[Honk Honk]
Woman: Oh, my God.
John Henderson?
Yes?
Planet 7 was the best book I've ever read.
What did you say?
Planet 7 was the best book I've ever read.
You're kidding me.
Why would I kid you? My God, what about Planet 8?
I loved that one, too.
You read Planet 8?
Yeah, and I read The Day There Was No Earth twice.
Twice?
Mm-hmm.
Did you like the character with the big hand?
I loved that character.
Are you married?
No, I'm not married.
So, where do you live?
In Los Angeles.
Well, me, too.
Why don't you follow me,
and we'll stop along the way
and talk and eat and get to know each other.
By the time we get there,
it'll be like 5 dates.
God, that's so creative.
Um...
well, yeah, that sounds wonderful.
That's a yes?
That's a yes.
Great.
This isn't a practical joke, is it?
Nobody sent you here, like my brother or somebody.
What are you talking about?
Nothing. It's just this liking me stuff
is all virgin territory, that's all.
I'm not used to it.
I'll get used to it.
You'll help me.
You read the whole book...
OK, so follow me.
Follow you.
[Telephone Rings]
Hello?
Oh, honey, I'm working. May I call you back?
Bye.
♪ And here's to you, Mrs. Henderson ♪
♪ Your grown son is moving back today ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ God help him, please, Mrs. Henderson ♪
♪ He looks to you to help him with his life ♪
♪ He lost a wife ♪
♪Again.♪
♪ He'd like for you to welcome him ♪
♪ And make him feel at home ♪
♪ He needs to know you like him coming back;
♪ He knows that you are busy with problems of your own ♪
♪ But please, when you see him ♪
♪ Try not to attack ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, please, Mrs. Henderson ♪
♪ Soon your house will add another one ♪
♪ It's your son ♪
♪ Remember, please, Mrs. Henderson ♪
♪ You're the reason why he's here at all ♪
♪ So, Mother, dear ♪
♪ Don't drop the ball ♪
♪ And here's to you, Mrs. Henderson ♪
♪ Your grown son is moving back today ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ God help him, please, Mrs. Henderson ♪
♪ He looks to you to help him with his life ♪
♪ He lost a wife ♪
♪Again.♪
♪ He wants to get to know you ♪
To understand his mom ♪
♪ He'd like to understand himself;
♪ He'd like to see just where everything went wrong ♪
♪ Instead of putting all the problems on the shelf;
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, please, Mother Henderson ♪
♪ Now's the time to step up to the plate ♪
♪ It's your fate ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, please, Mother Henderson ♪
♪ Destiny has given you a call ♪
♪ It's time to take ♪
♪ Down the wall ♪
♪ Take down the wall ♪
♪ Dee dee dee dee dee dee;
♪ Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee ♪